john s.

dear ej,

The job is confirmed. The wire transfer of $250,000 to the dummy account is complete. I'll get the other half in cash when I deliver Sal Tivoli's left hand to the one who hired me. That person shall remain nameless, even in my own journal.

According to the one who hired me, "Big Sal" will be in Washington, DC, for a relaxing week at the outstanding Mandarin Oriental Hotel. No doubt, in one its finest suites. My contact cannot give me an exact room, or exact date. But, frankly, if that was necessary, I wouldn't be worth every penny of what I'm being paid.

The final details of Tivoli's trip probably won't be worked out until the very last minute for security purposes. But when they are, I'll be eavesdropping. Not on Tivoli himself, but on the FBI. They've already put the wire taps and video and Internet surveillance in place. All I have to do is scan and monitor their transmissions.

The fun part part will be making Sal disappear while agents follow him in DC. I love doing that to the bureau. It'll be my third time. The first was when I made Joe Vincinso vanish from that restaurant in Philadelphia. And then there was the time the agents lost sight of Tony Delgado's Mercedes during that mob funeral in Jersey. Time and again, I use their own tactics and procedures against them.

But it's what they deserve. They are no better than the crooks who they claim to be after. There is no justice in protecting gangsters in exchange for their testimony against other gangsters. Instead of ridding the world of this scum, they give them new lives and identities. To continue to be a part such a thing is the very face of hypocrisy.

It serves more benefit to my psyche that I end the lives of menaces to society like Sal Tivoli. Men who kill for reputation, respect, and amusement. I do more good than harm when men like this cease to exist. And I do even more good than harm when I see to it that people like the one who hired me meet the same fate.

-- john s.

i'm sick of all the bullshit (the preclude)

precludes "you're sick of
the bullshit?" by romey.in.va

Guestblog from
Curlycurvynervy
author of: "summa this & summa that"

I'm sick of all the bullshit,
I'm tired of all the games,
I'm tired of pointing fingers,
I'm tired of calling names,
My head just keeps on spinning,
I cannot make it stop.
I cannot keep on going,
I think I may just drop.
I can't deceive myself
I need to heed the truth.
I want to believe in us,
but I'm afraid there is no proof.
No sign of your faith,
No way for me to know,
what's real or just a game...
I'm full of hate, of rage and jealousy..
Of envy and despair
I want to run, to scream...to free this part of me.
To inhale fresher air..
I need to exorcise, rid myself of these feelings
detoxify, cleanse, flush out all the demons.
I gave you only love,
You gave me only lemons
I tried to make it sweeter
to make it wonderful...
You poisoned every drop,
and killed most of my hope, my faith, my sincerity...
I only feel sadness, and empty all inside..
I have nothing left to give,
no more gas to fuel the ride.
This is my moment of silence,
my time to marinate,
My chance to sit and ponder,
Just what road I will take

marina b.

dear ej,

My parents are making my life miserable. They say they're trying to protect me. But what they're doing in the process is making me hate living here. They are not allowing me the chance to have a life. Why is it that i have to suffer because of the mistakes they made when they were my age?

I feel trapped in this house. I only get to go out to a movie like two or three times a month. And when i do, i have to take my little brother and sister. Sometimes they even arrange to have my little cousins to get dropped off over here so they can go too. My best friend Kellie puts up with it because she knows I'll go crazy if I have to deal with all those kids by myself. But its so embarrassing for her to see me in that situation. She feels really sorry for me.

She tries her best to get my parentz to like and trust her so that we can go out by ourselves, but that only works once in a while. Even when I'm allowed out without the rugrats, I'm only given a limited time, like three hours and then i have to be back home.

I can't even sleep over at Kellie's without my mom confirming with her mom first. That is so lame! Kellie's mom even thinks my folks are over doing it. Even she believes you gotta trust your kid at least a little bit. She lets Kellie talk to boys. Kellie even asks her mom for advise in her relationships! It's so fucking unfair. I wish I had parents who would let me live.

Me being allowed to have a boyfriend is out of the question. If I'm on the phone, it better be with a girl. If I go out, it better be with my best friend or with another gurl. I can't go to clubs because there's boys there. No parties, boys are there. All this because my mom got pregnant with me when she was 18. So that gives her valid reason to cock-block me? Bullshyt. unlike her, I know how to make a boy put on a fucking condom. They are so stupid! They dont even realise that if I was a lesbian, they'd be making it easy for me to get pussy. Matter of fact, thats why I tried sex with a girl in the first place! I get tired of fucking myself. Im on my fifth vibrator in three months!

I'm like a caged animal in here waiting for the day I can get let out. when I'm at school, I'm like the biggest nerd. I'm trying to learn everything so I can keep a high gpa, so i can get a scholarship and get the fuck outta here. And I'm going to a school far away too. Somewhere you've gotta get on a plane to get to. They figured that putting me on lockdown was tha best way to get me to study and get good grades and not get pregnant. Well, it's fucking working.

Just thinking about this shit has got me so stressed. I can't wait till they go to sleep. My 420 is rolled up and ready to flame.

-- marina b.

david e. (part 1)

dear ej,

Not long ago I thought my life was pretty much over. When Natalie left, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It was all so sudden. She had decided to go away to college and not take our relationship with her. This was her chance to meet new people, experience different things, and see what else is out there. Sounds like sumthing a guy would typically say to a girl.

When she broke it off I was shocked and devistated. I used to do everything I could to make her happy. I'd take her shopping, and I kept her hair and nails done. I bought her cell phones and payed the bill. I even taught her how to drive so she could borrow the car my parents bought for me. We were damn near inseparable. Then she dropped that bomb on me. Afterward, I wouldn't go out. I wouldn't talk to my friends. I cried like a fucking baby for the first week. I felt like all I had was gone. I was empty inside. I was incomplete without her.

But after a while it hit me that life has to go on despite how much pain you're in. College wasn't in my plans. My grades were not good enough to get me a scholarship. I couldn't gather much grant money. And I decided not to borrow thousands in student loans that would put my family in more debt. I thought it best to stay home and continue to dj.

Time went on and I tried to forget about her by working my ass off doing parties, putting out mix tapes and networking. Soon I landed an internship at a radio station. Now I'm doing promotions. It's cool. I'm not rich and famous, but I get to pass out free t-shirts, cds and event tickets. I get to drive one of the stations hummer H2's. I get my voice heard on the radio a couple times a week. I even get groupies.

It's been about six months since Natalie went away. It still hurts when I think about her. She doesn't call. Probably because I cussed her out and told her not to. But even still, she should've known i said that out of anger. If she did call, though, I don't know what I'd say or do. But for now I'm ok. I'm doing well. And as long as she's not on my mind, I'm pretty close to being happy.

-- david e.